


Don't Fight the Fairies!

by Andromytta, nealinor



Category: Gishwhes - Fandom, Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Gishwhes made me do it, How to get pregnant for the 10th time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 22:12:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11792526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromytta/pseuds/Andromytta, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nealinor/pseuds/nealinor
Summary: Gishwhes task:  Write a 2000 word essay about how to get pregnant for the 10th time and post it on Twitter in 140 character Twitter bursts.  So, this is our take on the subject matter.





	Don't Fight the Fairies!

**Author's Note:**

> When I took this task for my Gishwhes team, CoolBitchesGISH, I had two thoughts on the matter. 1. It had to involve Oberon King of the Fairies, and 2. It had to be completely ridiculous. When I told Neal my idea and showed her my first two paragraphs, she happily joined in. We had so much fun writing this, and wanted to share it with all of you.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the nods to Dean and Cas within the essay. The Castiel reference is all Neal. It's subtle, beautiful, and perfect, just like she is. Seriously, she's a genius and I fucking love her. The Dean reference is less subtle, but perhaps just as perfect. That one is all me.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it!  
> ~Andy

So, you want to get pregnant for the tenth time?  While I personally don’t see the appeal of getting pregnant _one_ time let alone ten, I am here to solve your problem.

After the ninth time, I’m sure dealing with the same old spouse/significant other/random hookup/sperm bank is probably rather boring.  If you think you need one of these to assist you with that tenth baby, well, my friend, you couldn’t be more wrong.  You don’t need any of that.  I’m going to explain to you in several quick and easy steps how to get pregnant for the tenth time.

First of all, make sure you are the first born child in your family.  This is highly, highly important. As you know, being the first born is highly praised by magical creatures and makes them far more likely to help you. If you are the second born of your family, this method is not going to work for you and you need to stop reading now! Go on, now. Why torture yourself with something that’s not going to work for you? All gone? Good. Those guys were losers anyways.  Second, get kidnapped by fairies.  You may think you are being abducted by aliens, but trust me; you’re being kidnapped by fairies.  That’s a good thing, which is what you want to happen if you are going to participate in this process.

So, how do I go about getting captured by fairies? This is a fairly tricky prospect, as you may know. (If it were easy, you would have already been kidnapped by fairies.) You may have heard the nonsense about fairy rings (little circles of mushrooms that are rumored to be found in forests or your grandma’s backyard) however this is all nonsense. Fairies are a warlike race and they would smash a circle of mushrooms beneath their pointed fairy sabatons. (That’s a fancy word for armored boots. Cool, right?) The best way to get kidnapped by fairies is to summon the fairies to you as this is a sure way to make them angry. The angry fairy will likely take you captive and drag you to their king for punishment, which is exactly what you want. (More on this later.)

There are a great number of fairy summoning rituals that can be performed with decent success. A friend of mine swears by stripping naked, covering themselves with honey, flower petals, and live bees; however I cannot confirm that this method works as I have not tried it myself. A more tried and true method is to find a grimoire of fairy spells from your local metaphysics shop. Madame Lilybloom’s Encyclopedia of the Fairy Realms is a good one. There you will find a standard ritual for fairy summoning. The important parts of any fairy summoning ritual are: 1) a summoning circle (duh), 2) fancy sounding words to yell into the ether, and 3) something tantalizing to offer the fairy. Most rituals will contain a fourth part that traps the fairy in your summoning circle but you won’t need that. We want that fairy to get out!

To begin the ritual, you must take off your clothes. I’m not sure why you must do this; either it makes the process seem more magical or just naughtier. You pick, this isn’t science you know. Once you are naked, you must draw your summoning circle. Do not draw the circle before the naked part. This is important! The circle may be constructed out of any number of items. Some use honey because fairies are rumored to like sweets (although we all know they like blood more), some use flower petals and leaves, and yet others use the powdered bones of cute woodland creatures. I think in this instance we might like to use leaves and petals as these will blow away and let the fairy out.

After your summoning circle, you will lay out the treat you are using to entice the fairy. Again, honey or maple syrup are good options (better than using it for the circle if you want my opinion) but you can also use the blood of your vanquished victims, or cheap microwavable food and naughty magazines.  Fresh cream is also a viable option.  Remember that whatever you use for the treat will be related to the kind of fairy you get and fairies that like sweets may be nicer than fairies that like blood or pornography. Next, you want to intone your incantation. Use your most sonorous voice. You want to sound like an official summoner of things, not a newbie who is reading from a cheap book they bought from a crystal shop. You should have practiced this before you started your ritual. Pronunciation is the key here, if any of the words in your incantation are wrong your casting may fail or you may get something you didn’t intend. (You don’t want a demon involved in your tenth pregnancy, I would imagine.)

The wind should kick up and swirl around you. This is normal and an expected part of the ritual. If you’ve used a sugary treat of any sort, you should expect a moderate amount of glitter too, with the wind. (This is always unfortunate as you are naked and glitter goes everywhere.) If you have used a different treat for the summoning, I would also expect the sky to darken. Never fear, your fairy is on the way. The fairy will appear in a poof of smoke or a flash of light. It depends on what that particular fairy finds dramatic. After that, your fairy may engage you in conversation demanding to know why you have summoned them etc.. or they will immediately leave the circle and bind you for the kidnapping. Remember not to run. (Angry fairies are scary with their little sharp swords and pointing teeth.) When all is said and done, once you are bound, you will be taken to the fairy realm.

Once you are at the mercy of the fairies (yes, fairies _not_ aliens) you will be presented to the Fairy King Oberon.  At this time, the great king and his court will decide your fate.  The fate you are hoping for is to be selected to service the Enigmatic King Oberon.  (Just ask Dean Winchester about this, he can attest to this being the best of all possible outcomes of a fairy abduction.)

When you arrive at the Seelie Court, you will be met by King Oberon’s most trusted chiefs and advisors.  This panel will be in charge of your fate.  They will decide if you will be chosen for the honor of servicing their great king.  It is their job to determine what desirable skills you have, if any, which may be of interest to the king.

One of the more desirable skills to the fairy folk is fighting.  This means that your offspring will make excellent soldiers, which are of great need in the fairy realm.  If your talents lie in combat and violence, there is a very slight chance you will be chosen as the king’s consort.  More likely, however, you will be sent to serve one of the high generals of the fearsome fairy army. You will be larger than most of your soldiers, which is to your benefit as it will make them fall in line. I digress.

Another highly valued skill in this realm is cooking. As much as fairies appreciate fine and delicious food, even if you have the greatest culinary skills known to man (or ultra-terrestrials) it will not be enough to garner Oberon’s favor.  Your divine meal preparation skills will merely land you in the kitchen with the court’s finest of chefs. (Remember not to eat anything offered to you lest you desire to stay in the fairy realms for the rest of eternity.)

Now, if you can ride a bike, you will be highly praised among the fairies.  Fairies never learned to ride bikes, so they will admire you for this skill.  Unfortunately, this will not get you close to Oberon.  It will, however, land you squarely in the Seelie daycare center, where you can teach all the fairy children how to ride a human bike. (It takes several of them to do this.)

Of course, there may be one thing you’ve already thought of, if you’ve done your research.  (If you’ve gotten this far, no doubt you have.)  You could try dressing like Titania, queen of the fairies from Shakespeare’s epic _Midsummer’s Night Dream_.  If you are lovely, subservient, and smell fragrant as a spring day, your chances of meeting Oberon are increased three fold.  When your demeanor is deemed pleasing enough, you will be chosen as a courtesan for the great King Oberon. This is your best possible outcome.

Once you are chosen as a courtesan for the king, this is not the end of the road.  There are still things to be done to convince him to lay with you and help you to conceive for the tenth time. (More on this later.) Just because his most trusted chiefs and advisors have declared you worthy doesn’t mean that he will agree.

You see, Oberon has many, many, many courtesans.  Only the very special few are chosen to bear his heir.  You must prove yourself worthy to him. The first step to doing this is to show yourself to be mild of temperament and subservient. Good King Oberon dislikes having his opinions flouted or to be embarrassed by a shrewish tongue in front of his council of advisors. This may prove to be difficult for those of us used to living in the modern world, where women’s opinions are listened to and given weight (sometimes). You must fight down all of your feminist bearings and learn to make the most pleasing and accepting of faces. Remember that Oberon has many other courtesans and the competition will be plentiful (and cut throat, if all the rumors I heard are true.)

Another way to appear fetching to the king is to dress in blue, shimmery, feminine attire.  It is also helpful to have skill in singing and dancing.  However, if you cannot do this beautifully, don’t bother.  It will only make you look bad in front of the other fairies.  Bringing a small token, such as a pipe with the finest tobacco or a bottle of very fine French wine can only help your chances.

In a perfect world, you will beat out the other courtesans if you can fake sincerity and deference because you will be much bigger than the average fairy and thus more noticeable. Now, once Oberon’s attention is securely upon you, it’s time for the fun to begin. (I expect the prospect of lying with Oberon will be fun, however, I have no frame of reference for this and am going forward on here say and conjecture.)

If you are one of the lucky ones to be taken to Oberon’s bed chamber, you probably have a pretty good idea what’s next.  (Having been pregnant nine times previously, I would hope you know what will happen in the bed chamber.)  Being that you are a human in a fairy world, Oberon will need to become human in size.  This leads to another very minor complication.  In order to make the “process” more comfortable for you (as the king has quite a royal package) I recommend stocking up on Astroglide.  It’s the best choice for this type of situation.  

As you well know, sometimes just once is enough…but often, it isn’t.  In order to conceive for the tenth time, you need to convince Oberon to continue bedding you and make him want you to bear his heir.  Before you even consider starting the fairy summoning ritual, you may want to make sure your bow chicka wow wow skills are remarkable enough to out shine every other person in the realm, be they human, fairy, or other.  If you accomplish all of these tasks, you will surely succeed in getting pregnant for the tenth time!

**Author's Note:**

> If you're curious to see what this essay looks like posted in Twitter bursts, feel free to follow me @Andromytta. I'm not that interesting though. I Tweet Misha....a lot. I am also going to be on there starting my campaign to become the official Gishwhes Bee Girl. (What can I say? #GISHWHESMadeMeDoIt.


End file.
